Carmen J. Bryant, August, 2002
25
Besides being exegetically unsound,
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this attempted separation of divine love and
friendship has a tendency to make love cold and calculating, devoid of emotion and
passion.
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When combined with a usurpation of authority, it becomes another tool in
exercising unhealthy control. Such love does not just do what is best for another but also
determines what that best should be. Has a wife disagreed with her husband? It is for her
own good, then, that she be corrected until she is stripped of wrong thoughts and wrong
beliefs. Is she resistant? Then it is for her own good that she be turned over to Satan to be
pummeled by spiritual forces until she is willing to repent and submit not just her body
but her spirit to her husband.
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This kind of spiritual abuse is easy to keep hidden from others because no bruises
or broken bones give it away. Some wounds, however, cannot be covered by long-
sleeved blouses and turtleneck sweaters. The injuries are of the spirit and mind, hidden
behind dull eyes and a lifeless demeanor, too easily attributed to a bout of depression or
illness. The dull eyes may even be hidden behind a mask of "Everything's fine, thank
you" for the same reasons that wives avoid revealing physical abuse--fear of
consequences and a sense of hopelessness. The courts used to call it mental cruelty, and
cruel it is. It is not love. It is the curse of Gen. 3:16 kept alive by poor theology. It can
remain hidden until the spiritual abuser crosses the line into physical abuse and the wife
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For a discussion of the supposed distinction between ajgapavw and filevw, see D. A. Carson's Exegetical
Fallacies (Grand Rapids: Baker, 1984), 25-54; and ajgapavw in Kittel's Theological Dictionary of the New
Testament, vol. 1.
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The traditional doctrine of God's impassibility also contributes to the passionless love that drives an
authoritarian husband to decide what his wife should do, think, and believe. He becomes like the God of his
imagination, exacting discipline and retribution without grace.
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Gothard calls this a "hedge of thorns" that those in authority are supposed to pray around the one who is
being "rebellious" (Conquering Impossible Mountains, 5). Describing similar actions on the part of church